Yesterday was SP's first day of Academy and I'm already feeling fear creeping up over me about what is to come. It's coming from all directions, not least of all my over-active imagination.
I'm getting fear from books, from friends, from co-workers, from the news, internet, etc. And each little part is culminating into a single force which then has a nightly fight with sleep for my attention.
I had a few books recommended to me and I haven't been able to make it through the first three chapters of the first book without sobbing uncontrollably at the end of each one. I don't know why these books were recommended to me. I was expecting something hopeful or stories of how families have happily adjusted (eventually) to a life of uncertainties. Instead I'm hearing about deaths and "hyper-vigilance" and how spouses in law enforcement are never reliable and their schedules leave women feeling like single mothers to their children.
Why is this? Why is it that when SP gets the support and the guidance and the excitement from his fellow law enforcement professionals, I'm getting the doses of fear?
Obviously there is quite a bit of stuff that I don't yet understand included in all these books, which is equally scary. I'm new at this. We have just recently been engaged, SP is just starting academy, and while looking out on what is to be our future, these unknowns are what is most terrifying.
What happens if he finishes academy with a new outlook or personality that doesn't fit well with mine? What happens if when he begins working nights and I can't sleep at all? What happens if we have kids and they don't see their Dad often because his schedule is so erratic? So many "what ifs" going on in my head.
I've had multiple people tell me that the men in their lives really changed after going through academy and joining the police force. That they are not the same men they knew originally. Talk about bad timing for this to happen to SP and me. We're planning a wedding, molding our lives together, discussing our future plans, and he might end up COMPLETELY DIFFERENT? So scary it makes my stomach hurt.
I'm in the mood for a mindset shift in the Law Enforcement support arena, especially for new members of the lifestyle. I feel like this is a time for excitement and a time that the both of us should be preparing with energy a life together within this new world. So from this point forward, in any book, blog, or presentation I am subjected to, I will not stand for being scared into being afraid of my own life.
I don't mean any disrespect to those writers of the books I've read or those law enforcement spouses that have given me their personal warnings. I appreciate the effort to give me what you believe to be important information.
Yet, although I may be naive still, I think we can make it work. I think being a loving team will bring everything together, despite all my fears.
